What if Hillary Clinton Designed a Sock?

April 11, 2018

What if Hillary Clinton Designed a Sock?

Whether you're an average Joe or (almost) the leader of the free world, socks can tell others quite a bit about your persona, about where you've been, where you are now, and, more importantly, where you'd like to go. Much more than a utilitarian way to keep your feet warm or perhaps keep you from slipping around the kitchen, socks can be an outlet to showcase a little panache that can speak louder than your business attire or pantsuit. Enter Hillary Clinton, arguably the person who needs a comfy pair of socks more than any other person on the planet despite being recently named Gallup's most admired woman on the planet for a record 16th straight year.

Though she didn't quite make it all the way to the top of American politics, she still has a massive following that will back her every move from here on out, and if she ever decided to make a statement through her socks, you can be assured that it would resonate worldwide. If Hill was in charge of designing a pair of socks, here's what you might see.

pins and flair for sock subscription

More flair than you would expect.

For someone who was known for deliberate and fact-based decision-making in an election year in which aimless hip-shooting was in vogue, Mrs. Clinton would likely use the sock as a blank slate for her inner persona often hidden on the campaign trail. If her very candid interviews after the election are any indication, the ostensibly retired former Secretary of State wouldn't pull any punches now that the campaign shackles are off, and might even be up for a few pointed jabs at her naysayers.

Forgetting the muted colors that she occasionally relied upon for public appearances in a previous life, bright blue with vivid splashes of red and white – likely with an embedded "H" somewhere – feels just flamboyant enough for someone who seems to have no intention of going silently in defeat. Speaking of votes, 65,844,954 would have to be included in small print somewhere near the seam to celebrate being the first woman in history to win the popular vote during a presidential election. In special edition versions of her original design, a puppet cartoon of Donald Trump with a background of Kremlin red (and a "made in Moscow" sticker) would make a great complement to the official Hillary collection, and likely a best-seller.

lifting weights for sock of the month

Durable and built to last.

Many public figures have withered under scrutiny since Hillary became a national icon as the First Lady of the U.S. back in the early 1990s. After making it through a series of scandals both real and imagined, Hillary's durability in a polarized country suggests her socks wouldn't be the type to spring holes whenever they hit rough conditions. A pair of Hillary socks would be strong and sturdy, made from the wool of only the toughest sheep in the flock and designed to hold up even while being grilled for hours on end by congressional investigators. They may look like fun and fancy dress socks in the packaging, but Hillary socks will keep your toes warm and protected no matter the circumstances, outlasting competitors and potentially plugging along for decades.

piggy bank for sock of the month club

How much for Clinton socks?

For a pair of perfectly crafted and long-lasting socks, there is an obvious answer to how much socks designed by Hillary would cost: $12. Ever the politician, even in retirement, Hillary would love to be able to tie in a campaign promise or two while fighting the never-ending battle about whether she's likable or not. For a candidate who advocates a $12 federal minimum wage, you can almost hear the speech she could give along with a $12 pair of socks, declaring that every American worker should be able to afford the perfect pair with just a single hour of hard work. $1 from every pair, of course, would go to the Clinton Foundation, which is much better at providing HIV and malaria drugs to impoverished countries than worldwide domination – despite the murmurs of her critics.

warm and cozy fuzzy dog for sock club

Warm and fuzzy.

To her foes, Hillary is a cold and calculating social climber hellbent on destroying the republic, a persona her critics stitched together over more than two decades in the public eye. With the election over, however, Hillary no longer has to combat that unsavory image and can instead by a master sock crafter who values all things cozy without being accused of contriving a personality. For her routine walks in the woods near Chappaqua, New York, Hillary would need a sock that is soft and warm with a bit of a fuzzy exterior to bring the mood together. Although they would be sharp-looking enough to wear to a finely priced speaking engagement on Wall Street, Hillary's socks would be homey and comfortable with a hint of nostalgia, the perfect pair to throw on and recall the glory days of being one of the most popular senators in the country.

sock donation for sock of the month club

Donating socks to where they're needed the most.

Socks represent some of the most needed items around the country for homeless Americans. Although Hillary edition socks would certainly find their way into dorm rooms and places of work as well, they might actually be at their best on the most unfortunate Americans, which is why they would make the perfect donation. With a design focused on longevity and warmth, Hillary socks would be a great companion for cold nights and would help the owner persevere through the elements.

Given Hillary's well-established career of philanthropy, teaming up with an agency like Lava Mae would be as natural to Clinton as a campaign rally. Much like the Clinton Foundation, Lava Mae directly addresses the everyday lives of people in need, specifically by providing mobile showers and various clothing items. With socks by Hillary, proud owners would be ready for the day no matter their starting point.

America themed for sock subscription

The most polarizing socks in the world.

There is one thing you could guarantee would happen if Hillary ever decided to design socks: an enormous controversy. Considering Starbucks can't design holiday cups without being accused of everything from witchcraft to ruining Christmas, socks designed by Hillary Clinton would certainly be the most divisive footwear in history. But with a brightly patriotic color scheme, cozy materials, and proceeds going to a good cause, there's no doubt that Hillary socks could be a big hit even in a non-election year.

 

 


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