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Why You Should Give Up Sex and Devote Your Life to Cute Socks

August 16, 2016

Why You Should Give Up Sex and Devote Your Life to Cute Socks

You may be asking yourself exactly how we’re going to manage to convince you to give up sex for cute socks. Well, read on and you may just end up being celibate for the rest of your life.

1) Cute Socks Don’t Need Consent

Cute Socks Don’t Need Consent

That’s right! When you want a pair of adorably cute socks, all you need is money and the socks are yours for keeps! However, the same is not true for sex, as no one will ever be “yours for keeps” in quite the same way. In most countries, there are clear cut laws about both parties consenting before a sexual encounter can take place. My old university even had a rule that said “an enthusiastic yes from both parties is required for it to count as consensual.” Now ask yourself this— how on earth am I ever going to get someone enthusiastic about sleeping with me if my taste in socks, let alone cute socks, is questionable at best?

2) Cute Socks Can Last Longer Than Ten Seconds

Cute Socks Can Last Longer Than Ten Seconds

In fact, cute socks can last a lifetime—if given the proper care and attention they deserve. Nevertheless, this same logic cannot be applied to your sexual partner or their ability to perform, because no matter how much you “stroke their ego” or how badly they have the hots for you, it’s just a fact that some sex will be short lived. But rest assured, even if you haven’t upped your game and treated your feet to the gift of amazing cute socks, know that your socks will last longer than a mere ten seconds in heaven.

3) Cute Socks Will Never, Ever, Not Be In The Mood

not in the mood for

 Unlike some people (who don’t need to be named, because no one is trying to throw anyone under the buss here…), your socks will never tell you “I’m too tired,” “I drank too much,” or “I’m closed for business”—mostly because socks can’t speak (bonus!). But in all sincerity, once you purchase a pair of cute socks, they are at your mercy and on your schedule. So whether, your toes get cold in the middle of the night, or you need something soft to slip on (because you want to hide your broken yellow toenails), cute socks will never, ever, object.

4) Say Bye-Bye To The Dreaded “Walk Of Shame”

walk of shame

Say goodbye to awkward “goodbyes” because cute socks will never make you question your actions or incite our human instinct to feel shame . As opposed to picking someone up at your local watering hole and having to make the dreaded decision to sneak out at odd hours of the night or stick around for a super uncomfortable breakfast, purchasing a new pair of socks is as simple as deciding what you’d like put your feet inside. Cute socks are easy—they’ll never shame you for your lack of judgement when you came home with some blue no-shows instead of Googly eye cat socks with ears.

5) Cute Socks Keep Your Feet Soft and Dry

dry feet

 Okay, so this one is totally unrelated to sex—because dry sex equals terrible but dry socks equals whatever the opposite of wet socks equal (if that was confusing, just know that very little is worse than wearing wet socks). Regardless of whether you’re ready to hand over your “playa cards”, it’s necessary to understand how important cute socks are when it comes to foot care. Socks soak up all your foot sweat, which keeps your feet dry and free from all the weird foot bacteria that could lead to some serious foot disease, which will definitely keep you from getting any (sex). So seriously, cute socks are the answer to life (in terms of procreation).

Some of you may be thinking, cute socks are the answer—I’m over sex forever and happy being celibate. However, we think the majority of you probably don’t care to sacrifice one of the greatest pleasures life has to offer just for some stylish foot cardigans. Not to worry, we weren't trying to convert you, we were simply trying to show you the great benefits of cute socks. However, we have realized that rocking cute socks can in turn lead you into a better, more regular, and healthier sex life.

If you want to receive amazing sex socks in the mail every month, which will help navigate you towards some unbelievable consensual sex, you can sign up for our very own sex sock of the month club. Give it a try, and then tell us what comes first, the cute socks or the sex.


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